Those who suffer understand. You know that moment the moments when you realize that you spent the last God knows how many weeks, days, months living in a fog. Going through the motions. Not even understanding why. When it first starts I am completely aware of the fact that my joy and my drive is slowly fading away. I realize that I am sinking, but the harder I fight to stay alive to stay afloat the more exhausted I become. I can not swim forever and I sort of just drown. alone and isolated from the world. In a sense, it feels like a riptide. You know how they tell you to let the ocean take you out. They tell you that if you fight against the tide you will die because she always gets what she wants. Fighting does no good you just have to float let her take you out until the pulling stops then you can swim back to shore, but not without caution. Not even this simple task can be done without caution or care. You must swim back at an angle so you don’t get exhausted… Sometimes I think my life is a riptide. I am pulled out more often than not.
These negative feelings sort of morph into the person that I am. It is almost as if it engulfs me completely. There is no light and there is no hope. Then one day I sort of wake up. I look around at the life that I am living in. I think about the amount of time I spent isolated from the world around me. Living in a mess not eating anything. Just getting by. I create nothing. My camera creates dust. My relationships suffer. Then the overwhelming feelings of reality sets in. It’s the hardest pill to swallow.
It is time to clean up again. Clean up this mess I made. I think the most disturbing part of it all is that those around me see it. They tell me I look tired they ask me if I’m sick they tell me my voice is different and I just smile and laugh it off pretending like I have no idea what they are talking about. When In reality I just do not have the will to say. I am depressed right now. Those are hard words to say even when they are true. But soon enough I get my life back. I organize my surroundings I start to create again. I keep my relationships strong. I work out daily. I eat three meals, and everything is as it should be. I am happy. If that is what happiness is. I mean, to be honest, I am most happy when things are going well and my life is under control. But depression comes again. I feel like it will never stop coming.
My mantra lately has been “I am not mental illness” that I am not bipolar and that I am no longer going to let that define me. The fault that I am finding in this mindset is that I have almost created a mindset of denial. Telling myself that this mental illness is not real. That the doctors must have been wrong. I decided that I will not allow it to affect my life that I must hold myself to standards that do not allow room for mental illness. I wonder if this new mindset is what is to blame for my recent lows. NO matter how hard I try I will be bipolar. I can not run from it or convince myself out of it. I can not stop taking my meds because I want to be “normal” I have been trying harder than ever to change my thought and my “mantra” to “I will have grace for myself. I will have more patience for myself”. I am without a doubt bipolar, and that is okay. I will not hide behind it allowing it to be the reason to blame for all my shortcomings and failures, but I will also allow myself to have grace and compassion when I do slip up or when I do realize I allowed my life to fall apart once again due to depression. Or when I make myself look like a fool when I am on a high. I think finding that balance between accepting your illness and living behind it is really hard. One of the worst things is thinking about others when trying to figure it all.
Yes, we all have problems. Sometimes I find myself looking at others lives and thinking well they have problems too so why is it that they can be so perfect while coexisting with these problems. And you know what those thoughts are wrong, and those thoughts must stop. I have no idea what it is like living in their life. nor do they about mine. I have become an expert at putting on a front. I suck with emotional honesty. I am always great even when I am drowning.
It is a little interesting most creative people that I know suffer from something. I always think what would my life be like without bipolar. I think of all the things I would be able to create if only this wasn’t in my life, but then I realize that maybe if I didn’t have this maybe if this wasn’t part of my life I wouldn’t have the drive to create. I think most of my art and passion come from the fight that I have had to have for the greater part of my life the fight to live but not just live. To live a life that brings me joy.
This post is a rant yes I know but sometimes I believe rants are healthy. Sharing thoughts. sharing struggles. I am an advocate for sharing stories. I am working on transparency and wish others would do the same. Tell your story because it is one that is so uniquely beautiful and can only truly be told by you.
Thank you for reading. I hope that you have a great day I love you…