Hello, everyone. I have not posted a weekend wrap up in a couple of weeks. Sometimes life just happens, you know?
I shared with you all in a couple earlier posts about having bipolar disorder. While I feel like sharing about my diagnosis has become pretty easy, sharing about the crippling side effects has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
A thought that has been running my daily life. I have been manic for the last two weeks. While mania is different for everyone. For me it entails no sleep, racing thoughts, over thinking everything I say or said. Everything I eat. Everything I wear. Everything I clean. Every crack and cranny of my life is required to be thought about over and over again. I talk way too much and about far too personal of things. I cry way too much over the smallest of comments not directed at me in the slightest. For the past couple of weeks, I have averaged three hours of sleep a night. Normally I sleep 7-8; I think this lack of sleep is resulting in a quickly approaching downfall. I am however on medication and hope and pray that my meds do their job and that this comedown is gentle on me.
All I can think about is the negative, about how people can’t like me, how no one truly wants to be in my presence, how I am not going to ever get out of this. I am paranoid. I am frightened. I am on edge and I am just not myself. Neurosis has become a part of me. I share all this, not for sympathy, not to complain, but to let anyone else who may be going through something similar know that they are not alone, and to not feel shame in the things they feel. Sometimes it is like something is ruling over me. Controlling me. Changing me. It is a daily battle, but one in which I am willing to fight and willing to share about. I feel like loneliness and isolation are the biggest dangers there are with this disorder. I’m sharing this so that maybe someone can get a look inside of mental illness a little better.
The past week has been hard. I am learning and I am growing more now than I ever have before, and I am proud of that. I do not have much exciting life news to share because honestly the only thing I could really focus on lately is living. I have had to force myself to do the things that are required to live. All I want to do is sit and think, maybe read, or pull all my neatly folded clothes out of the draws and fold them for the seventh damn time so that they can be just right and I do not have to think about them for the rest of the day.
There is positive to all of this I promise. With this mania, I have allowed myself to grow closer to others. I have formed beautiful friendships with beautiful women. I have had more time to focus on Kyle or hyper focus I guess lol. I have had more time to organize things that I want to do with my time. This next week I am going to start tutoring all the children. My goal with these tutoring times is to focus on basic skills in reading, writing, and math and to build a solid foundation for their future education. I also want to start working with the older kids at the Hacienda on thinking about the future. Starting college prep, looking into different schools, and the requirements that they will have to meet in order to get in. I am also going to be starting school again which is just so exciting because I am ready to get that chapter of my life closed once and for all.
I am looking forward to the weeks to come. Christmas is coming. My parents are coming to Ecuador, and on of my dearest friends is getting married. This month is going to be a beautiful month, and I am so looking forward to it all.
I hope you all have a fantastic week. ❤