Mantra of the week. Have patience with myself.
Hello all, I am a little late on this weekend wrap up, but sometimes that’s life. This week was a slow week. Family time was in abundance. My grandmother was in town. I realize more and more how much I am changing. I recently was put on medication for bipolar disorder. It amazes me how much of a difference medication can have on someone’s life and in their capabilities. The clarity of mind, and the understanding of your decisions is one of the most incredible feelings. For so long I prayed to God for guidance and help understanding mental illness. I have been blessed with so much peace in this process. I am learning to love myself, and my wild untamed emotions. I am learning to give myself grace when I cannot live up to the expectations of others or myself. I no longer ask him why I am this way. I just ask him for his help and for wisdom while I learn about myself daily. My God doesn’t make mistakes and made me this way for a very specific reason. It is strange writing about this. I feel really insecure about this side of myself and my life, but it has recently been put on my heart so heavily to talk about the things I struggle with, and the big obstacles in my life. In hopes that I can help someone else who is suffering from mental illness. Help them to feel like they can to be open about such a big part of their life and personality. Those who love you don’t mind; those who mind don’t matter.
There has been one emotion this week that I just cannot shake. I miss Ecuador. I miss it with every ounce of my soul. I feel the most at home while I am there. I fulfill my life’s purpose while I am working and serving others. I have noticed a pattern in my life. I am the most unhappy when I live for myself. When I only work for the material gain of Jenise. I get stuck sometimes because while yes, I am supposed to work to secure a future for myself and for my family. I also feel God tugging at my heart and telling me that I am meant for something else. It takes a lot of faith. Some mornings more often than not when I wake up in Ecuador I feel like a fool. Recently I had a medical emergency. When the medical bills started to pile in I had to quickly humble myself, and accept help from others. I felt guilty. I felt shame. I felt like a burden. I felt this immediate need to get “a real job” so that I could afford these misfortunes in life. I quickly found myself lost in the “what ifs” of life manipulating me into believing the most reasonable option was to give up. I had to pray a lot. My mindset was wrong. I was focusing on all the negatives. It went something like this “Why would God call to work as a poor missionary who cannot even afford to take care of herself in emergencies?” I had to refocus. God has called me to work with children and has proven time and time again that he will take care of me as long as I’m willing to be humble and accept his help. Kyle and I are buying our tickets today and should be flying back to Ecuador next week. I am excited and nervous. I fear the kids will feel different about me. I fear the judgment and ridicule from others. Because I have been absent for so long, fear is normal, but above all things, I feel tremendously blessed that I get to go back home. Back to my life.
One thing has been certain this week. I had to practice a lot of patience with myself. I had to love myself and I also had to believe in my own abilities to succeed. I have special talents and gifts, and I know that with the correct mindset I will be able to overcome any obstacle in my life.
My biggest goal for this coming week is to finish organizing my things and pack my bags for Ecuador.